Introspection
by Cotton and Cash
Summary: That pain in your chest reminds you that you have no answer for any of these questions. That voice in your head keeps saying that you'regoingtowindupjustlikehim.


can't believe you were once just like everyone else

* * *

><p>"My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and kill a certain someone..."<p>

* * *

><p>They should have seen it coming.<p>

Inevitably, your thoughts return full circle to the one topic you've been trying desperately to avoid. You've been told that thinking about it isn't going to make it any easier, but hell, not thinking about it is just as impossible as denying an offering of a bowl of steaming ramen noodles; it's impossible, and you know that, for the sake of your health, you should just give in. After all, it's not like you were ever one to repress or deny your feelings. Everyone always said that Team Seven had enough teenage angst for the entire village, and you accounted for one-third of it, so that had to be saying something. You ignore the little fact that instead of one-third, Team Seven is now one-half.

Your hand tightens around the battered picture you've been gazing at unwaveringly for the past two hours. Fleetingly, you wonder how it got there, since you can't even remember taking it out of pocket, where you've kept it every step of the way on your adventures with your new sensei. There are more important questions, though, so you don't linger on it for too long. This is a picture that you know by heart; you've looked over it so many times that you think that, even without the Sharingan, you've memorized every little detail. You can't help the longing that suddenly comes over you at the picture, the one of you and the rest of the members that made up the "fated" Team Seven. You've heard Ero-sennin say once that a picture is worth a thousand words. You can't help but to think that he's wrong; this particular picture is worth so much more than that.

Hungrily, your eyes take in all the details that you already know, searching for something that you might have missed. A sign, a tiny insignificant detail that you've overlooked countless times...anything that could give you the evidence you need to assure yourself that there was no way you could have known. When you realize that everything is still the same as it was the last time you checked (and you ignore the fact that you last checked the day before when that horrible hurt and desperation welled up inside you), you wait for the relief that you always hope would come and feel resigned when it doesn't. After all, you know that no matter how many times you tell yourself that (it'snotyourfaultthere'snothingyoucouldhavedone) and that (you tried your best to bring him back but you weren't strong enough and you know that you will be next time), you're just lying to yourself.

You suddenly wonder why you left in the first place. Why you left behind your Sakura-chan (ipromisethati'llbringhimbackSakura-chan.) There's no doubt in your mind that perhaps it wasn't the best course of action. After all, how can you prove to her you'll bring him back when you leave, just like him? What makes you so different from him? That pain in your chest reminds you that you have no answer for any of these questions. That voice in your head keeps saying that (you'regoingtowindupjustlikehim.)

* * *

><p>then you grew up, became like the devil himself.<p>

"I understand now. Even if I must take the devil's fruit, I must gain power. I am an avenger."

* * *

><p>Be strong, Sakura.<p>

These three words have become your mantra. You cling to them, as if they were a lifeline. They are the only thing that you have left now; this is an irrevocable truth that you couldn't deny without running from it for the rest of your life. Strength was never something you desired. You're honest enough to admit it, even as you are vain enough to quickly counter with the fail safe comeback, "But it is now." Who do you think you're fooling? If it wasn't for them, you would have never had the guts to go and practically demand that one of the Legendary Sannin take you under their wing. There would have been no quest for strength and skill and training and more training, andyouknowthatdamnit.

When you realize that you can't get through the day without uttering those words to yourself at least fifty times a day, you know why you're so desperate to hear them, that you need to remind yourself that there's still something left to lose. It's ironic and pathetic and youcan'tgiveupnow. Not until you are finally strong enough to bring him back home to Konohagakure, for Naruto, for Kakashi, foryou. You're selfish and you're weak and it's no wonder that Sa-...that he left you behind.

She can't even say his name. Yes, you hear them talking about you, about them, about everythingandit'snoneoftheirgoddamnbusiness. Irrationally, you think about telling them to just shut the hell up, that they don't know a single thing about anything...but then you realize that you'd only be admitting your hypocrisy. Because you understand better than Tsunade, than Kakashi, than Naruto just how much you don't know. You still cling to the pathetically romantic ideology of your childhood, even though you haven't been a child for a long time now. You still hold on to the belief that Naruto will be strong enough to bring him back home, where he belongs. You still believe that after everything, you can and will get your happy ending.

And even when you almost die fighting Akasuna no Sasori you believe this. You believe this until the day that the reformed Team Kakashi meets Kabuto and Orochimaru and him. After that, you realize that you're still not strong enough and you probably never will be. And you wonder at the other lies you have told yourself. Because you can't believe that was the same boy that you fell in love with, and you can't believe that you did all of this for him. For nothing. And you can't believe that you still try to tell yourself and everyone else that it was worth it. Because you're not so sure about that anymore.

What's even worse, you still can't believe it when you realize that you still love him. Even after all of that.

pray to god I can think of a nice thing to say

"Naruto...It's too late! Nothing you can say will change me! I'm going to kill you and every last person in your beloved village. It's time to make your choice: kill me and become a hero, or die at my hand and become another one of my victims!"

It seems possible that you will never truly understand normal human interaction.

You've been told that your new teammates are perhaps the most suited for the task of teaching a seemingly socially retarded person the intricacies of human relations. Everyone claims that Uzumaki Naruto has this . All you can think of when you hear these declarations is that perhaps they do not know the other members of Team Kakashi as well as they think. While it is true that one of the reasons you're with them in the first place is because of the hyperactive blonde's apparent ability to make others see that which they had never known before, you have begun to realize that such a talent is a double edged sword of the worst kind. You think this because you've watched the blonde try to bring back the traitor so many times and to no avail. You have seen the despair and the hurt on his face and that of the pink-haired female that you can't help but to think looks almost pretty when she cries.

There are times when you think back to the very first time you met the boy named Uchiha Sasuke. You have no concept of what a "true first impression" should be, but you think that perhaps your impression of him was tainted by that of the others feelings for him. You think this because all you can remember was wondering just what could have caused him to leave behind such loving and loyal people as the other members of what was once Team Seven. Why would a person willingly attempt to sever such bonds? You realize suddenly that perhaps you were jealous, envious even. Because, while you've made your own place on Team Kakashi, you know that you're nothing. You're not even a replacement. After all, how can you replace something when you refuse to acknowledge that it has left for good in the first place?

Although you are just beginning to learn about the delicate feelings of others, you are painfully aware that the subject of the Uchiha is all but forbidden. You tried to bring it up once or twice, , and each time you were met with the saddened expressions of your teammates. Both the blonde and the pinkette would adopt soft, faraway looks in their eyes, and you knew they were thinking of him, remembering times with him, andyou'rejealous. You understand jealousy quite well, now. If they knew, you wonder if they would be proud.

So, you refrain from mentioning his name unless it cannot be helped. And you say things that you shouldn't, even when you know it is improper, just to make them smile. Because even though you know that you don't have a chance at lessening the pain of losing a precious person, you can at least give them this.

* * *

><p>but I don't think I can, so fuck you anyway.<p>

"I spared your life on a whim, nothing more. But this time, my whim is telling me to finish what I started..."

* * *

><p>When you received the word that you would be made jounin captain of the new genin Team Seven, you knew.<p>

Even before you read a single word on the information packet concerning the members of the team. Even before the Hokage took you on a special trip to the apartment occupied by one Uzumaki Naruto. Even before you opened the door and allowed yourself to be hit by that eraser. You knew, because you saw that you were to be a part of the new Team Seven, and you recognized what it meant, knew it's significance, even if no one else would realize it until it was too late.

You'd been a part of a Team Seven that hadn't known a kind fate. You'd watched a boy die doing what was right (even though you didn't recognize that until it was too late.) You'd seen the pain of unrequited love. You'd gained. You'd lost. And you knew that if you tried hard enough, perhaps this particular Team Seven would not have to meet the same fate. Perhaps that's why you weren't as hard on them as the other numerous teams you'd been saddled with. Perhaps you might pass them. You knew that you were only kidding yourself, because of course you were going to pass them. The Uchiha prodigy, the brainy Haruno, the rambunctious Uzumaki . Of course you were going to pass them.

It doesn't take long for you to regret that decision. You were so proud of them at their highest, and very disappointed with them at their lowest. You tried desperately to instill in them the value of teamwork and tried to teach them the necessity of friendship. All because you didn't want them to turn out like you. You didn't want to see them visiting the same memorial every morning, like you. You didn't want them to be left behind...like you. And when that happened, you were devastated. And you cried.

You cried because you failed your sensei. You failed your best friend. You failed your team. Again. You would be forced to watch these genin (thesechildrengoddamnit) go through the same thing that you go through every day. And you know that if you have to, you'll go to hell and back to bring him home. Not just for them, but for yourself. Because you know that if you are ordered to terminate the threat that he poses, you will do it, because you're a loyal Konoha nin. And that's what you've always done.

And you're selfish enough that you don't want to let it get to that. Because although you'll set out to complete the mission (ifitcomesohkami-samapleasedon'tletithappen), you're not sure if you'll have the strength to do it.


End file.
